Rev (Dr) Quek Suan Yew

The Greatest Sadness in Christian Parenting!

Failure is part and parcel of living on this sin-filled earth. Since all humans are conceived and born in sin, no one is perfect. Mistakes are made in abundance from womb to tomb. There is no exception. When mistakes are made, failures occur. People fail in projects and people fail people. When a project fails, money is lost. When money is lost, jobs are lost and people suffer in the ultimate process. But it is an indirect impact on people’s lives when projects fail. When people fail people the impact is direct and immediate. The consequences are severe and sometimes lifelong. Of all the failures on earth, there is arguably none more serious and heart-wrenching than when parents fail their children.

God entrusts all parents with their children’s lives from their birth. Their children might be born in sin but they do not have to live and die in sin. There is a better life for them in Christ Jesus, the Son of God who became the Son of man to die for the sins of the world. I am referring to Christian parents. Our heavenly Father requires and expects all Christian parents to return the children to God one day. This means that the children need to know Christ Jesus as their personal Lord and Saviour. This is the only way they will enter heaven, as children of God. As long as they remain only as children of men, they will live and die in sin and spend eternity in hell. There is a great chasm fixed between heaven and hell that can never be bridged. No one can cross this great chasm from heaven to hell to help and show pity to anyone there and neither can any soul condemned to hell go over as there is no salvation possible in hell. The only time in every person’s life that can make a difference to whether their destiny is in hell or heaven is now . . . during their time here on earth. Once the final grain of sand falls through in the person’s hour glass of time, his destiny is fixed forever – heaven or hell awaits!

Bearing this in mind, what is the greatest fear in every Christian parent’s heart concerning their children?

1. Failure in Studies? – This is a serious failure in Singapore as the educational system is pegged very rigidly to one’s academic performance. This is inevitable as this is the means to advance as well as measure the students’ readiness to progress to the next level of more difficult studies! Many Christian parents spend a sizable portion of their monthly income toward educating their precious children. This is spent toward school fees, travel expenses and above all else tuition for their weak subjects so that they will not fail, and tuition also in their strong subjects so that they can become closer to perfection. This is the pressure imposed on children studying in Singapore and more so when these Singaporean students are privileged enough to go overseas. They do not want to experience the stigma of failing in their studies and failing their parents who sacrificed so much for them, and of course failing themselves when they want to improve their standard of living. The pressure mounts to extreme heights that no educational thermometer is large enough to measure.

Christian parents feel the pressure too. This is seen in their expectation of their children. Their being pressured increases the pressure on the children even more because these children love their parents and want to please them all the time. So when the children fail, the parents lose their cool and react tragically which does not ease the pressure in their children but adds to it until sadly something breaks. Failure in studies has become the taboo experience in every child’s life and to the child it must be avoided at all costs. Most Christian parents also feel that when their children fail in their studies, they have failed as parents as well. Is this truly the case?

Please know that when children fail in their studies they do not fail in life. If failing in life is measured by education, “dollars and cents” and the size and address of one’s home, then perhaps it is true since most who do not have a diploma or degree from institutions of higher learning do not work in high paying jobs. Or course there are exceptions but they are the rare few. There exists the “worship the education” society of the 21^st century in first world countries! But as Christian parents, the measure of a good life is not according to the abundance of what one possesses, but one’s relationship with God in Christ. Luke 12:15 “And he [Jesus] said unto them, Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.” Children need to experience things eternal and spiritual and to stop measuring their lives by relating to things carnal or material. They may fail in their studies and not live very well in landed properties by the world’s standard or like kings and billionaires in large mansions; but when they know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour they are living the abundant life that Christ promised them which is a personal walk with Him, their Creator and God! Failure in studies will not find them in hell. Christian parents have not failed when their children fail in exams.

2. Failure in Employment? – When people have low paying jobs and have to eke out a living day after day or month after month, they are either ignored or looked down by the society they live in. This is the trend in almost every major city in the first world or developing countries where the margin between the very rich and very poor is very wide. These low paying jobs are not wanted by the locals or citizens of the country and are usually performed by foreigners who are known as unskilled labourers. This way of life is disdained by many Christians as well. To the world, having low paying jobs is a reflection of failure in life and many Christian parents feel the same way about themselves when their children live in small homes and struggle to make ends meet most of the time. Is this a right measure of poor and failed parenting for the Christian parent? Have parents failed their children if the latter is poor and work in low paying jobs and struggle to eke out a living?

Again, this materialistic yardstick of oneself has been the bane in many parents’ lives, and they pass this on to their children by driving and pushing them toward the direction of this sin-filled Sodom-like world. They believe the solution to life’s problems is to have more money which means do whatever it takes to get more money; drink to be sociable so as to rub shoulders with the right people; smoke to relieve stress when the big money does not come in or come fast enough to cover the mortgages; buy lotteries and visit the casinos to make a quick windfall and to wealth as the way of diligent hard work is too slow! The lust of the flesh and the eyes and the pride of life dominate. 2 Corinthians 6:10 “As sorrowful, yet alway rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things.” High flying jobs or low paying jobs do not deliver our children from the bondage of sin and the penalty of sin which is death and hell! Christian parents fail when their children die in sin.

3. Failure in Faith? – The children God gives to Christian parents are like soft clay to be moulded and shaped into the image of Christ. Children are to be surrounded by the love of God in Christ in the home. Christ is the Head of the home which means the Bible, which is the Book of Life, will be the only rule book that guides everyone in that home, both parents and children. This is God’s promise to every Christian parent. Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” All Christian parents ought to claim this promise and train their children, i.e. nurture by way of discipline and lead them to the narrow road of Christ, i.e. the path of the Bible. The question is whether what they have done is enough as they know that they are not perfect. They pray for and with them as they grow up. They study God's Word and practise it in their lives as godly examples to their children, the best way they know how by the grace of God. They encourage them by taking them to church every Lord’s Day for worship; and as the children grow older, they are encouraged to attend the many fellowship groups of their respective ages so as to grow in faith. Christian parents set the example by their own regular participation in the Bible Study and fellowship groups of their own adult age level.

Having done all these spiritual truths, the question remains whether it is enough to ensure their children’s salvation. This is answered when their children begin to fend for themselves as they face the many challenges and temptations from the world of the devil. The litmus test of the reality of their salvation is whether they will continue to live their lives according to God’s holy and perfect Word when they are away from church and parents. The Bible’s warning is clear. Proverbs 8:32-36 “Now therefore hearken unto me, O ye children: for blessed are they that keep my ways. 33 Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not. 34 Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my doors. 35 For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favour of the LORD. 36 But he that sinneth against me wrongeth his own soul: all they that hate me love death.” [Emphasis added] The children who hate the Bible, i.e. do not want to obey the Word of God, love death! Proverbs 13:13-14 “Whoso despiseth the word shall be destroyed: but he that feareth the commandment shall be rewarded. 14 The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death.” These are just two passages of the Bible that make it clear that whosoever do not obey the Word of God continuously and all their lives will be destroyed. There is no salvation for them. When they grow up and fail to obey the Word of God and go wayward, their salvation is in question as they might not have been saved in the first place. The early years of attending church and obeying the Word of God have probably been for the parents’ sake and they did it as a matter of fact rather than as a matter of conviction. Their years in the world will reveal that the former is true and not the latter. Just because they called themselves Christians once does not mean that they are truly Christians! Matthew 7:21 “Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.”

When children fail in their faith, it ought to be the greatest sadness for every parent’s heart. Christian parents know that only the blood of Christ can keep their family together forever. Man’s blood is stained by sin and is impotent against his last enemy called death! But if all family members are truly born again in Christ, not even death can separate them in Christ! Romans 8:38-39 “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Conclusion– Remember the day we brought our children home from the hospital and how we carried our precious babies in our arms for the first time? Remember how completely helpless they were and how much influence we had over their lives? Remember how they were totally dependent on us for their survival?

What gives you the greatest sadness Christian parents? Your answer will reveal a lot about your priorities in bringing up your children and your involvement in their lives. Failure in studies is not failure in life, for your children will not lose their salvation when they fail in their studies. Failure in employment is not even a failure at all in the eyes of God, for God does not measure His children based upon the abundance of what they possess but on their walk with Him in Christ, i.e. according to the Holy Scriptures. But failure in faith will surely bring the greatest sadness to your heart because you know that when you leave this world you will never see your beloved children ever again, unless they come to know Christ as their Lord and Saviour too some day! Upon death there is a great gulf between heaven and hell that is fixed and that can never be bridged. The Christian parents will be in heaven and their unsaved beloved children will be in hell. This, I believe is the greatest sadness for Christian parents! I pray that all Christian parents worshipping in Pandan will not experience this.